I have been cleaning out my filing cabinet for what seems like days.  It's 95% done now and boy oh boy  does it feel good. It's like cleaning out one's files, cleans out one's head! Anyway, I came across a single sheet that someone sent to me last year (I wish I could remember who the sender was). It's called She Let Go and it was written by Ernest Holmes, in Science of the Mind which was first published in 1926.  I am filing in under "Inspiration" as of now. 

This time last year, I was in a very different place. I had just had a miscarriage and this short reading really hit the spot.  This year, I am in a very different place...29 weeks weeks pregnant tomorrow! Maybe it's because I let go?  

She Let Go

She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go. 

She let go of the fear. She let go of the judgments. She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head. She let go of the committee of indecision within her. She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons. Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go. 

She didn’t ask anyone for advice. She didn’t read a book on how to let go. She didn’t search the scriptures. She just let go. She let go of all of the memories that held her back. She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward. She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right. 

She didn’t promise to let go. She didn’t journal about it. She didn’t write the projected date in her Day-Timer. She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper. She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope. She just let go. 

She didn’t analyze whether she should let go. She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter. She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment. She didn’t call the prayer line. She didn’t utter one word. She just let go. 

No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations. No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing. Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go. 

There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad. It was what it was, and it is just that. 

In the space of letting go, she let it all be. A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.

What do you quietly need to let go of without effort or struggle to bring a small smile to your face?

This image is a human embryo five days after a single egg was fertilized with a single sperm cell:

This is an ultrasound image of the same embyro at 10 weeks gestation. It already has a beating heart (and had one since 6 weeks gestation):

This image, much less clinical, shows the same fetus from the outside. In this image the fetus is 19 weeks old and is the size of a large mango! 

And finally... 

Yep, if you hadn't already guessed...this baby is growing in me. As of today, I am 19 weeks pregnant! 

I gave a speech called "Creating a Meaningful Life" last night at my Toastmasters' Club. I got quite emotional at one point while delivering it.  You see, it's a pretty big milestone for me to be almost halfway through my pregnancy.  The road has been long and winding.  One surgery, six cycles of increasingly invasive treatments, and 3 previous pregnancies all ending in very early stage miscarriages....this has been the road. If you had asked me when I was 30 years old what I envisioned for my future family, my answer would have been far more traditional.  Now I am embarking on single motherhood (for now). 

I feel confident the right guy will come along at some point and I made the decision to proceed anyway because my biological clock was tick tocking really loudly (and yes, it really does become a lot more difficult for many women to conceive after their mid thirties). Fear, anger, sadness, confusion, uncertainty and even jealousy--these were some of the emotions I cycled in and out of over the past few years.  

And the doubt. 

Oh my goodness the doubt! When things weren't going well I would ask myself,

Is this a sign that I am not meant to be a mother? Is it time to pursue adoption?

And the most difficult question of all (and one I came to hate because I really struggled with it)

Do I even want to be a mother anyway???

Fortunately for me, I had many cheerleaders along my winding road, most of them mothers themselves. They, in my darkest moments of doubt, affirmed that having a child would be my greatest joy and that I needed to continue on the road to create this in my life.  I am so grateful to these women. They know who they are. 

We recently read A Million Miles in a Thousand Years for our bookclub.  The premise is essentially this: that we create meaning in our lives by the stories we live. 

Our lives, just like great movies, are more meaningful when the main character wants something and overcomes conflict to get it. Well this story, my current story, still in progress, is creating great meaning in my life.  And I needed to share it simply because I am looking at my life, my business, and my future though a different lens these days.  I am still the same me.  I still want to be a masterful coach helping high-aspiration business owners and professionals create their great story.  I still want to be a loving daughter and sister and a true blue friend.  And I still want to tango. So don't count me out.  In fact, count me in more than ever.  

The plot is about to thicken. And so is my waistline!