I had high hopes for the summer of 2021. At Chandler Coaches, we’d made a promise to each other that we’d largely take the summer off. We had planned our business year accordingly, knowing how privileged we were that we could even contemplate taking a break. And despite that business wasn’t as nicely tied up in a bow in June as I had hoped, I put it down and ran toward my summer plans¹.  

Let me back up for a moment. In March, in a moment of inspiration or impulse, I bought a camper (now known as “The Glamper”) to put on a cottage lot I had purchased way back in 1999. I was feeling depleted and looking for a way to get replenished. I thought that a summer away from business, with slower morning coffees, daily beach walks, and friends visiting, would be just what I needed to get inspired. 

Rest and play is a commitment conscious leaders make. I decided that I was making it. I wanted to slow down and give myself space.  I wanted to refresh in order to bring the best to my family, friends, and you, our courageous clients. 

There were some slower mornings, some laughs with friends and some gorgeous pink sunsets. There was also a blocked sewer tank, boredom and lots of bug bites.  But this post is not meant as a chronicle of our summer, it’s the reminder that: 

Wherever you go, there you are!² 

There I was in my field of clover with my same tendencies: Plunging into challenging projects vs. sitting still and feeling lonely.  Deep down, I knew back in March that the glamper was yet another distraction. But I did it anyway. And you know what? It didn’t deliver. How could it? There is no camper in this world, however glampy, that can give me what I really want.  

Instead of fun and inspiration, I got the “gift” of seeing how I keep repeating patterns that don’t really serve me (This post from summer 2018 reminded me). Initially, that felt like a big ouch! But from that pain, some clarity and courage are emerging.  What I really want is a deep connection with a loving partner, lots and lots of silliness, and a thriving coaching team who boldly invite transformations in our clients so we create positive impacts that go way beyond our Island.

To create what I want most, the teacher must become the student! Last week I joined an intensive coaching program as the client. I have already made a few important changes in my life/leadership.  

I firmly believe we cannot do this transformational work alone. Living and leading with courage and integrity requires that we surround ourselves with the loving pressure of a conscious leader community who will help us get there.  

At Chandler Coaches, our Conscious Leader Forum is this community. When you get tired of “buying campers” to avoid taking a stand for the life and leadership impact you really want, we can talk.

Until then, keep glamping.  

1. I am very grateful to Julie Ann who chose to coach some clients during the summer and to Lisa D-M who handled various things in my absence.    

2. This statement was popularized after the 1994 book Wherever You Go, There You Are: Mindfulness Meditation in Everyday Life by Jon Kabat-Zinn. 

1. Don’t wait.
2. Welcome everything. Push nothing away.
3. Bring your whole self to the experience.
4. Find a place to rest in the middle of things.
5. Cultivate “don’t know” mind [sometimes called “beginners’ mind”]

Five invitations to live fully.

Five invitations to make friends with everything.

Five invitations to get up close and personal with your own demise.

When I mentioned to friends that I planned to read The Five Invitations: Discovering What Death Can Teach Us About Living Fully while touring La Gaspésie, I later learned they were worried about me. They watched me whirl around all summer, at times looking strained, and they worried why I would choose the topic of death over a mindless summer novel. I admit that I did overwhelm myself all summer. 

Looking back, I spent a good portion of the summer acting like a “victim”. Ironically, I was being the victim of too many good things. Too many business prospects coming out of the woodwork. Too many fun summer things on our bucket list. And that endless string of hot summer days. And all those beautiful flowers to grow and sell for Les fleurs de Lali. Poor me, right? In truth, I regularly make myself a victim of my own ambition through my attachment to being productive all the time.  I was fearing what would happen if I slowed down or stopped for a while. I desperately needed a break, a pause, a rest but I wouldn’t give it to myself. I do feel sad about that. 

What am I trying to outrun or outsmart anyway?  Death? We all know how that will go! So that brings me full circle.  The book reminded me of many beliefs I support and of the five invitations that I welcome. When I am conscious, I clumsily practice living in the moment. I remind myself often to welcome everything, even if ‘a crowd of sorrows robbing me of my furniture’, as Rumi speaks about in his poem The Guesthouse. I sometimes show up bravely and with vulnerability. And when I am my most conscious self, I bring curiosity and wonder. Resting in the middle of things…ahem…we’ve already talked about resting ☹.  

I assured my caring friends and can assure you, that my curiosity, fascination even, with death and dying comes from my desire to live my life fully.  

I want to live a long, loving and abundant life. However my life unfolds, I believe my path is in the practice of these invitations. And I’d add a sixth: Play and laugh in almost every situation. Will you accept these invitations? Please RSVP… at least to yourself.

Roll out those lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer Those days of soda and pretzels and beer Roll out those lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer You'll wish that summer could always be here   - Nat King Cole Our lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer are filled with camping adventures, summer day camps, a little beach, a bit too much client work, and our summer side hustle: Les fleurs de Lali. 

We launched in late spring with a few main objectives: 

• Raise money for Ronald MacDonald House (RMH); Lali picked the charity after the PJ Walk in June. 50 percent of our proceeds will go to RMH to help Island families with sick children to stay together and near the medical care they need in Halifax.
• Have fun together growing and arranging beautiful flowers to sell as cut bouquets
• Teach Lali about business and help her make her some money to spend/ save.

We’re off to a great start! We’ve already sold over $200 worth in bouquets and it’s been a lot of fun. A few things I am noticing/ learning:

• Our morning garden ritual offers so much:
  • We get outside first thing
  • We slow down and get off technology
  • We get our creative juices flowing as we arrange gorgeous flowers
• We have an incredibly supportive village. We’ve been delighted by a big donation of flower bulbs (Thank you, Vesey’s) and some plants (Thank you, Susie of Earthform), and vases from several friends.  Two close friends—Alana and Barbie—are even growing flowers for us in their own gardens. Yep. We’ve already got multiple sites!
• Social media is a powerful machine. We post a photo of a bouquet on our Facebook page (Les fleurs de Lali) and it sells every time. Being able to sell as soon as we have a bouquet IS what is making this enterprise work. We (read: I) would be doing a heck of a lot of hustling were it not for Facebook.
• Pop up markets are fun and work. Our morning started early in order to harvest enough flowers and create the bouquets and set up for the sale. When our own peonies didn’t open up on time, three of our neighbours rescued us with beautiful blooms to sell. Lali and friends were excellent at making change, keeping track of sales, and adding value to the customer experience by carrying bouquets to cars☺  If all of our plantings work out, we’ll have LOTS of blooms for pop up markets in August and September.
• It’s obvious why scale is needed for farmers/ producers. We sure could not live on the average $10 per day we are generating but it sure is fun!
• Mother Nature is our real CEO. She can giveth abundantly in the form of sun and rain, and she can taketh away with a vengeance in the form of slugs who enjoy dahlia leaves.
• Business ownership and success brings satisfaction. Lali is proud that she “owns” a business and is excited that she already deposited $100 in the bank. (She’s told me she’s willing to buy us a camper☺)
• Wherever you go, there you are. My reactive tendencies of ambition and perfectionism show up just as much in this business as in my own. Go figure! I find it hard to leave flowers on the vine if they could be sold. I dream of all the marketing we could do and many cool creative things we could do. I get excited when we get advance and “corporate” orders. And I am already dreaming of the beautiful and abundant bouquets when the gladiolus bloom!

And with all these learnings, I remind myself that this endeavour is for fun, connection, creativity, learning, and giving. So far, it’s ticking all the boxes!

As leaders, we have two choices about the way we show up: responsive or resistant. 

There are only two ways of being. And it is a choice although we are rarely conscious of making it. In the responsive way, I see others as they are—as people. I am responsive to their reality: their concerns, their hopes, their needs, their fears. 

Seeing others as objects, I am resistant to their reality. If I see them at all, they are less than I am: less relevant, less important, less real. I can compliment or correct them because it will help them. Or, I can compliment or correct them because it will help me. 

Let’s say one of my managers, Henry, is struggling to make progress with a strategic project. Responding to his needs is my deepest sense of what is right to do. Maybe I am tired, busy, distracted or frustrated with something else, so I resist his needs instead. My initial feeling was to help Henry but I don’t. I betray my deepest sense of what is right, and in so doing, I betray myself. Now I need to justify my behavior.  So I blame Henry.  He is senior. He should know better/ do better.  Why should I be expected to get involved in a lower level project like this? Henry, who was once a trusted colleague, is now an obstacle to me (or a vehicle to be used for my own purposes, or an irrelevancy that offers me no advantage).

Responsive is who I was. 

Resistant is the way I became. 

I betray my own feelings to help, and I fall into a cascade of:

• Magnifying Henry’s shortcomings
• Blaming my own resentful emotions on him
• Feeling victimized
• Distorting my own values to build my case against him
• Clinging to my need to be right

I betray myself and all of a sudden my thoughts and feelings lie.  I betray myself and I become totally preoccupied with myself.  I come up with self-justifying images to prop myself up: “I am the kind of person who is fair, won’t be taken advantage of, is smarter than others, deserves more because I work harder…” I thought I was the kind of person who thinks of others but who am I thinking about when I am portraying myself above? Myself! 

I will think that I resist others because they have mistreated me. In truth, I am resisting others because I have mistreated them. It can happen that others will actually mistreat me.  Sadly though, in most cases, it will simply be my self deception at work. Betraying myself, I invite in Henry, the very behaviours I say I hate. And I cause Henry to betray himself and invite the very behaviours he may say he hates in me. And the cycle continues. And at some level, I might find this drama strangely delicious. In my resistant, alienated way of being, I am unhappy, insecure and alone. But at least I know I am justified?? And I am bonded with Henry in anguish. So that’s something right?? 

In resisting others, I may explode often. Or I may control my temper and be self-righteous. Or I may drown others in sweetness to get what I want. Or I may ignore them. Or I may just spend all my time berating myself.   Once I realize all the drama I am living, I may decide to change in the hopes of freeing myself from it. But any change I make when I am resistant will only be a surface change of style.   

Is change even possible then? 

Not as long as I am in the resistant way of being.  The only thoughts I can have are resistant thoughts.  I cannot will a change to become responsive.   So is change even possible? YES. It’s just different than we suppose. Other people’s reality is constantly beckoning.  It is that reality I have been resisting. I can cease resisting.  I can change by forgetting myself in response to others. It’s as simple (and as complicated) as that. To help me practice responsiveness, I can ponder:

1. Do I show any of these signs of self-betrayal toward others?
2. What is the full truth about myself toward others?
3. What is the full truth about those I am blaming?
4. What is the right thing to do toward others that I am resisting right now?

When I can see the truth, I feel care and compassion.  I see things I can do, things I should do, things I must do.  The responsive way of being always involves taking action in service of others.   

My daughter needs attention.  

My partner needs a helping hand.  

My friend needs an encouraging word.  

My team needs guidance.  

Henry needs a few minutes to talk through his struggles. 

Every moment offers the choice of two ways: Will I be responsive to others and see them as people. Or will I be resistant to others and see them as objects? 

The quality of our lives depends on our choice in each moment.  I’m going to be choosing responsiveness (as often as it takes) to see the quality of my life and leadership soar.  You?   

The concepts in this post come directly from The Arbinger Institute.  Even some phrasing in this post is borrowed from their book called The Choice because there is no better way to say it.  The Anatomy of Peace and Leadership and Self Deception are two excellent reads to further your understanding of this simple and powerful concept. They’re available as audio books for busy leaders who don’t find time to read.  

I have been cleaning out my filing cabinet for what seems like days.  It's 95% done now and boy oh boy  does it feel good. It's like cleaning out one's files, cleans out one's head! Anyway, I came across a single sheet that someone sent to me last year (I wish I could remember who the sender was). It's called She Let Go and it was written by Ernest Holmes, in Science of the Mind which was first published in 1926.  I am filing in under "Inspiration" as of now. 

This time last year, I was in a very different place. I had just had a miscarriage and this short reading really hit the spot.  This year, I am in a very different place...29 weeks weeks pregnant tomorrow! Maybe it's because I let go?  

She Let Go

She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go. 

She let go of the fear. She let go of the judgments. She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head. She let go of the committee of indecision within her. She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons. Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go. 

She didn’t ask anyone for advice. She didn’t read a book on how to let go. She didn’t search the scriptures. She just let go. She let go of all of the memories that held her back. She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward. She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right. 

She didn’t promise to let go. She didn’t journal about it. She didn’t write the projected date in her Day-Timer. She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper. She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope. She just let go. 

She didn’t analyze whether she should let go. She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter. She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment. She didn’t call the prayer line. She didn’t utter one word. She just let go. 

No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations. No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing. Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go. 

There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad. It was what it was, and it is just that. 

In the space of letting go, she let it all be. A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.

What do you quietly need to let go of without effort or struggle to bring a small smile to your face?